Dear Colleague:

No, you did not reinvent the wheel by creating a folder on Google Drive for us to share documentation. Please stop seeking validation by spamming the work group chat with how your 'amazing idea' got 'approval from the boss' and how you can 'have a Zoom training session' to 'teach' people how to 'get used to' this 'new way' of sharing things.

No, you cannot message me at 11:37 pm. Working from home does not mean 'all hours are working hours'. You are 6 hours too late. Either wait for another 10 hours - or alternatively, write your question on a paper, fold it, and insert it any bodily orifice of your choosing.

No, I will not proofread your work - especially work that has nothing to do with our job in the first place! Any professional assistance I can give you only extends to that - professional. I will not spend an hour correcting your numerous grammatical and spelling errors for an essay in an irrelevant course you decided to spend your time on instead of doing your job.

Dear Me:

No, you will not validate your colleague by telling them that they have in fact, reinvented the wheel with their wondrous, innovative and never-before-used way of sharing documentation. You will not praise them for their masterfully quick thinking and their ability to right click and create new folders. You will not give them attention on their weak attempt to impress a bunch of cynical, tired and worn out colleagues who literally do not give two squats about any sort of file-sharing. FAILED 

No, you will not acknowledge any message outside working hours until the sun rises the next day. As the Michael Buble song goes: it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and your life after 6pm and before 9am has absolutely nothing to do with any of your colleagues. In fact, you should reply snarkily! You should tell off your colleague for disturbing your peace of mind and invading the sanctity of (what should be) your private time! FAILED

No, you will not waste your time working for free on something that is completely unrelated to your occupation or areas of expertise. Something that you will most likely not even be thanked for. Something that will have all your effort go uncredited. You will not... correct that spelling error... the way that sentence is structured... that... apostrophe placement... FAILED

No, you will not just write this on your blog like a spineless, ball-less person. You will tell your colleague about how you will not be belittled, underestimated and taken for granted. You will stand up for your time, privacy and professional limits. You will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

FAILED.

The Staffroom Grapevine - Part 2

there is always someone in our lives whom everybody can live without. an aunt, a classmate, a neighbor, a celebrity figure.

for me, that person is *drumroll*

The Bully.

she terrorizes the staffroom like no other. she prowls around the corridors and preys on unsuspecting innocent creatures (like ME) and does what she does best:

BULLIES.

now, you must be thinking, "a teacher being a bully? what is that all about?"

(okay, maybe you're not thinking that. but whatever. you should, so that the following sentence is of use to you:)

YES. The Bully is the only teacher in the school whom i would gladly like to see resign and perhaps join the navy and be shipped off to Antarctica to live with penguins.

The Bully is tall, fair, blonde(ish) and 50-something years old. when she enters the Staffroom, all the teachers that happen to be present there avert her gaze, hoping and praying that she doesn't strike up a conversation with them. because unlike normal chit-chat and banter, this is what The Bully talks about:

"my daughter and her husband are having a grand time vacationing in Italy! where have YOUR children been for their holidays?"

"my grandchildren say the funniest things. they love how active i am with them! all my other friends praise me for how fit i look. what diet are you on? are you even on a diet?"

"i'm renovating my house in London. you hear that? LONDON. do you know how expensive it is? oh, maybe you don't. what kind of properties do you own?"

"your earrings are lovely! i had a similar pair a couple of years ago when they were in style. i sold them off a while back at a cheap price, because that's what they are now, don't you agree? how much gold have you bought this year?"

apart from all of her showing-off and nosiness, you know what is really perturbing?

the fact that she has got her eyes on ME.

why me?

because i'm her favourite victim.

why am i her favourite victim?

(okay, i need to stop asking so many questions)

because I'M THE YOUNGEST. all my life i've been taught to treat all adults with respect, which has gotten me into loads of tricky situations recently. being a teacher's assistant, i am obligated to help my fellow faculty members in whichever way i can, ONLY if it concerns actual work related to the syllabus.

The Bully takes advantage of my position and asks me to do stuff totally unrelated to what i am employed for.

example 1:

The Bully: come here!

me: yes?

The Bully: get me a glass of water!

example 2:

The Bully: come here!

me: yes?

The Bully: carry my bag for me!

(i-wish-this-were-an) example 3:

The Bully: come here!

me: *runs away screaming*

i am not a personal assistant. my job is teaching children specific parts of their syllabus, NOT carrying other teachers' stuff around like a peon. i know, i should stand up for myself and learn to say 'no', but that 'no' could get me fired. The Bully has been around for 9 years, and since this is only my first year, i have almost no right to point out how unfair she is most of the time. plus, she's an adult. and old adult. i am nothing but a duckling in front of her dinosaur-ness, which in The Bully's eyes translates into me being too inexperienced to even open my mouth.

maybe one day, when i'm a proper lady and The Bully announces her retirement, i shall tell her how mean she has been to me, and how i have silently burdened myself with all the things she has asked me to do for her. she'll probably have this reply ready for me:

"well, at least i'm rich."

yeah and then i'll only have your support to help me get over it, haha.

x

click here to read The Staffroom Grapevine - Part 1

My Biggest Fear

it's bad.

it's awful.

it's horrible.

it's terrifying.

it's mortifying.

my biggest fear has been realized.

it's...

BEING TICKLED.

that's right, everyone. if there's one thing in this world that i absolutely loadespate (loathe + despise + hate), it's someone invading my personal space and wiggling their fingers around a 975180423 mm radius of me. *cringes*

it's not tickling, it's torture. what totally annoys me is that people don't realize what kind of trauma i go through at even the thought of being attacked subjected to that kind of action. my fear is so bad, it can actually be classified as a phobia (Pteronophobia).

what's worse than the thought is the actual reaction. it's not the regular "ooh haha don't you dare tickle me, dearie" type at all. it goes something like this:

Evil Human: hey Furree Katt i'm going to tickle you!

Me: *starts crying*

i'm not kidding. most of my family avoids tickling me now. i have a deathly fear of those who don't think it's as serious as i claim it to be, especially when they try to have a little fun and tickle me when i'm with them in enclosed spaces (elevators, cars). 

the reason i'm spilling out my deepest, darkest secret to you tonight is because something really awful happened a few days back and i wouldn't have been able to share it with you without giving you all the above details.

The Day My Fear Turned Into A Real Life Monster With An Incentive To Kill:

DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HIS INNOCENT SPARKLY EYES AND CHARMING HALF-SMILE. this boy was once my favourite student (never again, i tell you. NEVER. AGAIN). till the day he decided to ask me the question i've always dreaded:

"are you ticklish?"

i responded with the usual answer:

"NO, NOT AT ALL, NO WAY, NO SIRREE, WHO GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?"

he shrugged and walked away.

i thought that was the end of the entire scene. little did i know (lol, i've always wanted to use that phrase!), that disaster was waiting to unfold.

towards the end of the school day, when everyone was done with their work and we were sippin' on our Rose hanging out in the classroom with nothing to do, i stood up from where i was sitting with the intention of going to the teacher's bathroom to wash my face because i was in danger of falling asleep. turns out i didn't need a fat splash of water to wake me up, because as soon as i took a step in the direction of the classroom door, two tiny hands slithered on my waist from behind and eight fingers and two thumbs began their horrendous wiggling.

at first i didn't register what was happening. i attempted to take another step forward but i couldn't, because the little boy had his arms around me and had latched himself on tightly. when i finally realized what was going on i let out a massive 'NOOOOOOOOOO' which was so high-pitched it sounded like this:

"NEEEEEEEEEE!"

needless to say, no one rushed to my assistance because:

- they were all little kids.

- they were too busy laughing at my plight.

i was in an awful situation. i couldn't do anything drastic (shake him off vigorously, smack him) because i would be in danger of violating the Teacher's Useless Be-Nice-To-Evil-Children-No-Matter-What Code of Conduct. in between the squealing and cringing i was doing, i felt a tear escape my left eye. i feel ashamed to admit it, but yes, 'twas a very difficult time.

anyway, all this must have lasted about fifteen seconds, because right then my coordinator walked into the classroom and witnessed the horror. she then let out a giant bellow (she's allowed to shout and scream because she's the coordinator, *oohs and aahs*) which resulted in immediate relief for me as the little monster let go of me in an instant and ran back to his designated seat. the coordinator began telling him off for his behavior, tactfully not looking at me so that i could have a moment to wipe my tears (i will forever be grateful to her for that). right after that the home-time bell rang and i ran out of the classroom as fast as my short legs would take me.

x

and that, my dear BBFs (blog buddies forever - clever? :D i made it up. muahaha) was the most traumatic experience i have had with a student of mine. there are way more horrific situations i have had to deal with concerning tickling, but when it comes to work, this one takes the cake. and the entire buffet.

lessons learned:

- expel any student who asks if you're ticklish, so that they don't get a chance to do the deed

- go to work equipped with a taser  

and yeah, that's about it. if any of you even think of tickling me at any point, our friendship/blogship is over. goodnight.

The Staffroom Grapevine - Part 1

being the youngest member of the faculty where i work, i've been subjected to many different kinds of behavior from the other teachers, varying from being cuddled, teased, advised and loved to being downright bullied. i've been thinking that since i always post about my students, i should share some experiences on my blog that i've had with my colleagues, too.

so, i've decided to make a series, where i shall post about any funny/adorable/horrible experiences that i've had with certain teachers. since i'm really awful at timings, i won't fix a day of the week to post a part of the series. instead, i'll post whenever i feel like, and whenever i remember an experience worthy of being posted here :D

okay. i'm starting now. *drumroll*

x

being a teacher is loads of fun. i get to work in an amazing environment. i adore all the children i teach, and feel totally awesome that i'm contributing to their knowledge and helping them shape their future.

there's a completely different side of being a teacher where i work, though. i won't call it the dark or ugly side, because i'm not advertising fairness cream. this side is called:

The Staffroom Grapevine.

that's right. the school staffroom is one of the scariest places i have encountered in my entire life. the teachers gather there like a flock of vultures in their free time and discuss things.

what things?

EVIL THINGS.

by evil things, i mean 'gossip'. gossip is the one thing that can (rarely) make and (surely) break a person's reputation. usually the subject of their gossip is... *gasp* ANOTHER TEACHER.

yes, certain teachers can be cruel like that.

though not all of the teachers in the school visit the staffroom, majority of them do, which is why i've decided to collectively call whatever they do a part of The Staffroom Grapevine.

i'm going to describe one particular character without whom the staffroom would not be the same:

The Gossipy Aunty.

(the only reason that i'm calling her The Gossipy Aunty is because i can't think of any other alias for her.)

okay.

The Gossipy Aunty is one of a kind. she wears tons of makeup and prefers wearing jeans and a tee instead of standard shalwar-kameez. she's a subject teacher, which means that she isn't a teacher of a particular classroom. when she enters the staffroom, all heads turn and every teacher in her presence greets here like she's their BFF. truth is, no matter how much the other teachers feel that they're on the best of terms with her, The Gossipy Aunty is nobody's friend. the second anyone steps out of the threshold of the staffroom, The Gossipy Aunty starts gossiping about them like there's no tomorrow.

an example; 

Random Insignificant Teacher: hello!

The Gossipy Aunty: oh hi darling, how are you?

Random Insignificant Teacher: i'm f-

The Gossipy Aunty: uff! the kids from classroom so-and-so drove me crazy today. doesn't help that their class teacher doesn't know how to control them. in my opinion, she should be fired. you know she's more interested in what everyone else is wearing? truly despicable.

Random Insignificant Teacher: oh, really? i thought-

The Gossipy Aunty: no, dear. that's what it is. you don't know her like i do.

Random Insignificant Teacher: i see. well i must be off-

The Gossipy Aunty: yes of course, you have to teach those brats now! good luck, dear. off you go. talk to you later. ta!

*Random Insignificant Teacher exits*

The Gossipy Aunty: *turns to face the rest of the teachers of the staffroom* you know what i heard about the Random Insignificant Teacher a while ago? it's too much, really.

I SWEAR, this kind of stuff actually happens. The Gossipy Aunty will talk about anybody and everybody. what baffles me is that the other teachers haven't caught on the fact that if The Gossipy Aunty talks about everyone, she must be talking about them, too. the rest of the teachers are hypnotized by the tales of others' misfortunes, regaled by The Gossipy Aunty herself.

though i haven't really been in the staffroom of any other school, i'm pretty sure the amount of gossip that the school where i work in has can be found nowhere else.

x

there are loads of other interesting characters that i've saved up for later posts :D i would really appreciate your opinion on this series (it's the first one i've made based on my personal experiences!) and whether you would like me to continue with this or not.

love you all!

♥