Thursday, February 21, 2019

As my 25th birthday approaches, I feel more and more helpless. I always thought the term 'existential crisis' was thrown around way too often for it to be that serious. But since the past couple of months I have seriously been going through a complete mental and emotional overhaul. I question my purpose on this earth everyday. I throw myself into studying until the crack of dawn, just so that I am too exhausted to stay awake and spend time in bed thinking about the state of my life before falling asleep. Nothing makes me happy anymore - if I laugh, it's just on the surface. Each day involves me merely going through the motions. Nothing feels genuine, and nothing feels good.

I deleted my post about feeling suicidal. I don't think I was able to express myself accurately. I feel like it was something I forced out of me. After six years of the feeling gnawing on me from the inside, I just put some word vomit out there to see if I would feel any different about my life once it was posted on (virtual) paper. It did nothing for me. So back inside my head it went. I don't even know what posting this post is going to do for me... but here I am.

I am a fraction of the person I used to be. I can barely remember what it's like to have any aspirations, a goal, a dream... or even a good night's sleep. I feel like an empty shell. My existence has been a disservice to anyone who has gotten to know me within the past few years... I used to be much happier, much more whole, more invested in other people. I have not been that person for a long time.

I don't hate my life. I might say that I do out of frustration, but it's just something to say. What I actually feel is nothing. Emptiness. I might say I'm sad, but it's more of a dull ache that never leaves rather than an emotion as rich as sadness.

If someone checks up on me (which happens rarely) I just say I'm okay. It's so difficult trying to express myself and my feelings in words. I feel like anything I write or say doesn't justify the mental turmoil in my head, so I don't bother. When I try to explain myself or inform someone of what I'm going through, a mental block occurs where words and thoughts just don't form. So I drop it.

I have friends, but 'friends' is just an arbitrary, meaningless title for people that aren't strangers to me. I know many people, but I feel nothing. I try to feel, I try to keep in touch, I try to interact. On the surface level, it's all okay. But somewhere along the road I lost the ability to fully care for others. It makes sense though - how can I even begin to care about other people when I don't care about myself? This is not to say that people don't care about me. Some people try to pick up the pieces and put them back together, but my mental state hasn't allowed me to feel, let alone actually appreciate what people try to do for me.

Anyway. I want to say that I'm dealing with this one step at a time - but there are no steps being taken here. The future looks bleak - if I make it to 25, I will let this space know.