Pose. No Pastry. No Picasso. No Pills. Damn No Pancake. NOOO Pitcher. OH HO POST*. Guest Post. I Hate Autocorrect :P (By Hamza Bin Ladin)

WARNING: Please avoid reading this post if you are allergic to bullshit. Because once you start reading it you’ll get jinxed and scarred for life. Not only you, your seven generations will be affected by this post so please save your great-great-great-grand-son by averting your eyes from this webpage and go elsewhere. 

                                               

After fifteen days of constant dancing and partying I’ve finally managed to write down this guest post for my/our most favorite blogger. I've been living on cloud 9 ever since I saw this on my Facebook wall.  

                                 

She was crying multiple shades of grey blue, which is not normal at all!

To which I responded:  

*please be kind enough to ignore my appalling Paint skills*

*Ahem*

Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. I'm Hamza and I do not like my name at all. Don't get me wrong. It's a pretty decent name. Also, the definitions of Hamza at the Urban Dictionary is pretty apt too. Hehe. 

There’s so much fuss about names. You know what, in my opinion people should not be allowed to keep a name that already has been taken. This would invoke creativity in people and we’ll be able to have really cool names. Also people won’t have any trouble claiming twitter accounts with their real names so end of user-names like Jack69 or PrincessAlice. 

Some names are really cool. For instance: Dick. If I had a brother called Dick, I'd make him go crazy by saying,'Don't be a dick, Dick', all day!   

A friend of mine knew these two sisters in his school named Kisma Baig Butt and Seema Baig Butt. Now imagine this conversation: 

You: Hi, What's your name? 

She: Seema Baig Butt. 

You: Pardon? 

She: SEE MA BIG BUTT. 

  

Now you're standing there confused what to do. See her big butt or ask her name once again. Likewise, 

You: Hi! What's your name? 

She: Kisma Baig Butt.  

You: Pardon? 

She: KISS-MA BIG BUTT. 

Now you're in a grave situation; to kiss her big butt or ask her name once again. And in case, you chose to do the former, God bless you son. 

Man, I wonder what made Mr.Baig Butt name his daughters in such a vulgar and haram way. Openly inviting strangers (na-mehrams) to see and kiss his daughters 'baig butts'? Same is the case with uni-sex names. So confusing. Parents who christen their children with unisex names must high on something really strong.   

I hate meeting people with my name. Whenever I see another Hamza, they mean competition to me; WAR. If you’re a Hamza and, unfortunately met me, then don’t be surprised why I’m being extra mean to you. Actually, I’m not being mean; I’m just trying to make you understand, Do you realize that you are not worthy of MY name.  It's like Harry Potter and the Dark Lord. "Neither one can live while the other survives". There are just two options with people claiming my name to be theirs too; die or change their name(s). 

The reason I dislike my name is very viable and understandable. The reason may sound quite bizarre to most of you but that's that; It's not a nice last name. For instance, if I end up marrying Emma Watson and want her to take up my name it'd be Emma Hamza. "Emma Hamza". Yuck.  

I had a massive crush on this girl in grade three. I used to study at Saint Michael’s Convent School those days, we had a lot of Christian and Hindu kids in our class. So there was this cute Hindu girl in our class which was the ‘apple’ of all the male eyes in our class. 

One day, during the recess during one of those pre-teen-hormonal-chats, the boys were boasting and fighting about how she was dying for them but they couldn't marry her just because she was a non-Muslim. I said: I’d marry her but our names don’t sound cool together. One of my friends said: "Sonya Rajkumaari sounds a lot cooler than Sonia Hamza. Sonia Hamza sounds like brother and sister more than anything". 

So yeah, it’s kinda sad. Not kinda, it IS sad. *sniff* 

 
You see, it’s much harder for me to find a girlfriend for myself. I have to find someone with a name that goes well with mine. And I haven’t met a single one yet. Even my current crush’s name is Areeba. Imagine, Areeba Hamza. I don't need anyone to bro-zone me. My own name bro-zones me.  

 
Hahahaha hahahaha hahah *Burst into tears* 

*Sings* 'I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...' 

 To help me out of this miserable condition, please let me know of any girls with names that sound great with Hamza. Also, please let us know of any funny names you've heard. 

But even if you guys fail to think of any suitable names, finally, as a last resort I shall change my name. Not completely change my name but use it like an anagram: Tom Marvolo Riddle = I am Lord Voldemort. Something like that. 

Or even if that does not work, I shall cut off my nose and become He Who Must Not Be Named. Bellatrix wasn't that ugly, you know. *Wink* 

  

Finally, Thanks-a-billion-gazillion for letting me write something on your blog. It's an honor for me to write a guest post for the Queen Blogger. By the way, Furree, you know what, I pronounce your name with an extra ‘h’.  

It makes it sound extra cool. Uber cool. “Fareeha...Fur-hee-haa!” Hee-haw. Like a cowboy. Oh, cow-girl. Ouch. Cow girl sounds bad. Like some fat-dumb-aunty-type-womanish-girl. 

Yee-Haw.  Fur Yee Haw.  I like the way your name ends with a cow boy sound. Yee Haw.

Fur-Yee-Haw {noun}: a cowboy with fur.

Okay. I must stop being lame now. Yee-haw. 

This is a guest post, 

Don’t read it like a ghost. 

If you leave a comment, I’ll give you a toast, 

Or else I’ll eat you up like a roast! 

Cheers! 

HBH. 

x

Hamza is, undoubtedly, the king of blogging. I am extremely proud to have this hilarious Guest Post grace my blog. Hamza is my hero, and he inspires me. LOL JK, he's an idiot. But I still love him! Visit his ultra funny and awesometastic blog, Teenage Mutiny.

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something i drew to express my gratitude.

- Furree.